Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
